Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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