So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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