I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How external is "for external use only"?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
