Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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