My friends, they love my intelligence
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
