WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just googled if crying burns calories
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
