She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
