the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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