I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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