just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
