Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize