Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
