I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
