i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
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