Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this boner is exhausting
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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