So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
