i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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