Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
