he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I fill condoms, not promises.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
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