i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
