I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You need Xanax blowdarts
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
