So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
