Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
His hands were made for my vagina.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
