Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
