i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
