if you like me you must not know who I am
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
