Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
