my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
