Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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