We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
