New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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