I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
