I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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