she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
