Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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