If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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