I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
This gyro tastes like lonliness
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
