My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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