well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize