Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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