I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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