The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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