I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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