WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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