About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
