He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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