he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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