You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
