Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
