Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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