im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
sarcasm needs its own font
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
