when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
