I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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