you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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