im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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