This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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