sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
