Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
