White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
