hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
