you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Someone signed my nipple.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
