I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
